Why Your Coping Strategies Worked Then but Not Now
There is a moment in therapy that I find quietly moving. Someone describes a habit they have judged themselves for over years, perhaps perfectionism, people-pleasing, or keeping everyone at arm's length. Then we look at when it began, and what was happening around them at that time. Often, they say something like: Oh. That actually made sense.
That shift, from self-blame to understanding, is the heart of the work I do.
Strategies are born of need
Children and young people are remarkably resourceful. When we need something, such as safety, connection, or approval, and the environment around us cannot always provide it, we adapt.
Some examples:
A child who learns that being no trouble keeps adults calm may grow into an adult who struggles to ask for anything.
A child who finds that achievement brings warmth may become an adult who cannot rest without feeling worthless.
A child who learns that emotions are too much for the household may become an adult who feels little, or who feels everything but shows nothing.
None of these are character flaws. They are intelligent adaptations to the conditions of that time.
When the world changes but the strategy does not
The difficulty is that these strategies tend to run on autopilot. We carry them into adulthood, into relationships and workplaces where the original conditions no longer apply. What once protected us can start to limit us.
The people-pleaser finds themselves exhausted and resentful. The achiever cannot stop, even when the achievement no longer satisfies. The one who stays self-contained feels lonely in the very relationships they most value.
The strategy is still trying to help. It simply has not received the update that you are no longer in the same situation.
Updating, not erasing
I do not think the goal is to get rid of these parts of you. They have carried you a long way, and many bring real strengths: conscientiousness, empathy, resilience. The aim is to loosen their grip, so that you are no longer required to operate this way. You get to choose when to be driven, accommodating, or guarded, rather than being compelled.
In CBT terms, we look at the beliefs behind the strategy, such as I must earn my place or
My needs are too much, and we gently test whether they still hold true. We build new experiences that show you something different.
If this resonates
If you notice that old strategies are costing you more than they give, therapy offers a place to understand them and update them at your own pace.
I offer a free 15-minute call to see whether working together feels right. Contact
This article offers general information and is not a substitute for individual assessment or treatment.
